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Why did a narcissist choose me?

It might surprise you to know that a narcissist often chooses someone with some of the nicest and virtuous personality traits. Some of them you would expect - kindness, empathy, selflessness and helpful. But some are more interesting, such as good at what they do, loyal and responsible.

The key is knowing how these personality traits can be manipulated for a narcissist's gain, pleasure or reward.

For example, someone loyal, responsible and who looks out for the best in people will overlook bad behaviour or excuse the behaviour for a while. Someone on the other hand who is good at what they do, is likely to evoke envy in a narcissist and they will actively enjoy the challenge of slowly undermining their victims* confidence.

This makes perfect sense, when you realise that a narcissist is only interested in their own needs both consciously and unconsciously. This means that these same virtuous personality traits can be more easily exploited. A narcissists true personality is cold and ruthless and they truly do not care about hurting and harming someone to get their own needs met. The cunning part is that they use charm, lies and a false personality facade to achieve this. By pretending to have the same ideals and similarities as their victim*, even if this involves blatant lying to find common ground, they can form quick emotional bonds. People are drawn to those who think, feel and have the same ideals and morals as them.

If for example someone has a lot of empathy, they feel genuine concern for other people’s pain and suffering. This means that a narcissist may be able to manipulate easily through guilt or by using lies to easily manipulate through sympathy. The trick is working out what the narcissist really wants. This is likely to be:

(1) What they can gain from you - money, status, wealth, popularity

(2) How easy you are to manipulate

(3) Your conscious and unconscious beliefs - some of which make you more vulnerable. But most of us do not know what those vulnerabilities are - see my post on schemas for more of an insight.

In conclusion a narcissist is a master manipulator and the sad fact is that good, honest people are an easy target for narcissists. But whilst emotionally devastating, it does not mean that it has to be so in the future.

Want to find out more? Why not take a look at my book The Practical Guide to Understanding, Leaving and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse. Out May 2022.

* Victim - a person who is tricked or duped. Please use the word survivor or whatever terminology you choose.

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